On June 25 I entered Psalm 119 and today I exited. That is a very long chapter, especially compared to the length of the other chapters. I got a little bogged down in "will I ever finish this?" type thoughts. But then I realized it was taking me so long because so much of it was speaking to me.
I copy verses that speak to me into my "Daily Walk With God" spiral. Then, I jot down what they mean to me today. I wrote down verses: 5, 7, 11, 18, 28, 29, 32, 35, 36, 44, 54, 59, 66, 70, 71, 76, 81, 92, 105, 114, 133, 153, and 165. That's a lot!
This chapter has really gotten me to rock back on my heels and consider my faith. Am I really faithful? Do I really have faith in God? How strong is my faith? I constantly wonder if my faith is "good enough" or not.
I guess the thoughts I have that make me question myself are thoughts like this. Would I still devote as much time as I do now to meeting with the Lord each day if I worked outside of my home? Would I maintain that God knows best and trust in Him should I lose my dear husband or one of my precious children? I can honestly say I don't know. I'll go a step further and predict that no, I probably wouldn't seem to be as faithful.
Then at times when I have such thoughts I get afraid to say, "Yes, Lord, I trust You to do what is needed. I'll accept Your will." Why does that scare me? Because I don't want Him to call me on it and see if I am indeed as trusting as I say. How whacked out is that?
My spiritual journey continues. I actually feel like I'm underfire right now. A long round of stomach woes and reactions to new medications, which aren't mutually exclusive, have kept me from worship for a few weeks now. I thought this passed Sunday was going to be free and clear but I woke up with a horrible stomach ache. Determined not to be beaten down, I got up, fixed my hair, got halfway dressed and could go no further. I doubled over on the bed in pain.
I feel as if I'm being tested and I feel very discouraged by the situation. I can't go to worship, I can't meet new people, I can't build relationships with our church family. It's embarassing and humiliating and I'm just starting to get a little freaked out. I've had some great one on one time with the Lord but I need more and I sure think He expects more from me.
Well, this started off about Psalms and has ended up with me unloading a month's worth of frustration! See, I'm human. It isn't always hunky-dory. How long has been since you've heard that phrase??