Thursday, December 16, 2004

Childbirth: Pain vs. Brutality

My son is 3 months old now. Gone are a lot of the pains of his birth, but there are some scars, unseen, that remain still.

Getting stuck twice for blood tests, twice for an IV, and twice for an epiduryl all in one morning is painful. Not being able to hold your tiny, newborn son is brutal.

Having adhesive tape remove every little hair on your arm along with some skin is painful. Hearing a baby cry in the hospital room next to yours while your baby is hooked up to a machine on the other side of the hospital is brutal.

Walking around with an incision across your tummy, feeling like a vital organ or two will surely fall out is painful. Watching another mother being discharged with a blue bundle in her arms as you are leaving empty handed is brutal.

Getting into a vehicle after having a C-section is painful. Looking back at the hospital while driving away in a vehicle with an empty carseat, knowing you will be miles away from your baby that came to this place inside of you; that is brutal.

There are some things that are as fresh in my mind as they were 3 months ago. In the big picture we were very lucky. Will could have had so many other complications. He could have been one of those tiny beings that were in the NICU for months on end. But that one week he was there, my life stood still. The world stopped turning.

His first five days of life were in solitude without the comfort and warmth of my arms. His first nourishment wasn't found snuggled up to me but so very coldly through a plastic tube. His room, crib, swing, and bassinet stood empty for three days we were home without him.

It was a lesson in patience and humility. I am not the driver on this road of life even though I sure can manage to muck things up with my backseat driving skills. God's mercy is faithful and His ways are mysterious. I'm forever changed by all that we endured.

I'm sure now and then I'll forget who's in control. I'll try to take over as I do too often in my life with other things. But He'll remind me, gently or firmly, whichever is needed. His reminders are necessary and I will wise up eventually. After all, He's still working on me. - Lesa

"The stars are always shining but often we do not see them until the dark hours." - Earl Riney

1 comment:

Mae said...

Hi Lesa,
I really enjoy your blogging and just figured I'd let you know. Have a wonderful weekend. :)

P.S. I got here via Deana's blog.