Thursday, January 12, 2012

Amish Circle Quilt Project - #85 - "Star in a Star"

Block #85 - "Star in a Star"
Started on 9/13/11
Completed on 9/20/11
Technique: Pieced (Flying geese)

I love this block. More than anything this block is significant in its meaning as told in the letter that goes with it in the book. I'm feeling anxious even as I begin to write about it.

In this block, the outer star represents the writer's husband and the inner star represents the writer's son. Both were killed when an automobile crashed into the buggy they were driving. This left her a young widow with two small children.

After reading this letter again this morning before I began writing, I was struck by how it stopped me in my proverbial tracks. I think losing my immediate family members is my worst nightmare but also an extreme fear of mine.

I don't wake up shaking at night from dreams with someone chasing me wielding and axe or a chainsaw. I don't wake up with tears on my cheeks from a dream in which someone is mistreating me. I am not shaken by dreams of snakes and falls from a lofy locale, or wild animals wanting to feast on me.

The dreams of night that truly haunt my days and shake me to the core are the ones in which my precious husband or children are hurt, taken from me or have left my life for one reason are another. Talk about abandonment issues ... I guess they plague me in a big way.

My head tells me that if I lost my husband I could find the strength to move on. My soul tells me that if the worst happened I could trust in God to see me through. My heart? Well, my patchwork heart tells me that it might just be broken beyond repair and I'm not sure I could find my way back to a real life without my amazing love beside me.

When I think about losing a member of my family, that's when I wonder if I really have the faith I usually think I do. I don't want to claim to be a woman of faith, at least not too much faith, because I am quite uncomfortable with that claim being tested in too big of a way. I guess that's kind of ridiculous to some of you, but I have come to fully understand this about myself. I'm not sure exactly what it means. I'm not sure how to fix it or that it needs to be fixed at all.

I'm an imperfect human. Point of fact, being imperfect is actually what makes me so human. I'm pretty good at being human.

That's all for now. I can't dwell on this topic very long or it will mess with my messed up head even more.

Father, today I thank You and praise You for the people You have blessed my life with. Thank You for leading me to Mark. Thank You for Trinity and William. Nothing else in life is as sweet as the gift that is these three!

Blessings Y'all!

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